well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
