I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ugly people sure do ruin things
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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