I just made out with a guy for $7.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
