I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
