I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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