yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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