Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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