i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
