Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
