i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
