Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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