I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
