You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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