the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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