are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
50% drunk capacity currently
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
