Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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