There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Welp...herpes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
