I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
