i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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