dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
