I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
