No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am naked and annoyed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
