Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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