Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
