feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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