I can text with my tongue
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
