The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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