She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
