if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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