Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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