Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
