I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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