There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
