Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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