dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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