I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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