that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
