Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
