maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
