I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He did a backflip because drugs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
