what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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