Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
