He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
