When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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