I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
