I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
