If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
