The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
