I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
