Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was not drunk enough for that final.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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