So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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