is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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