please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
