I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
