I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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