she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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