Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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