I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
