i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
