This is not my ceiling
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
