she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
