She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
